I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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