We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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