In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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