put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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