The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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