i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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