What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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