i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
