She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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