Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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