My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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