I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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