Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
