I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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