When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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