No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
