I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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