from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
