Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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