So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
