I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
