it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
