Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
