I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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