If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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