the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
