I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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