I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
