I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
