Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
