You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
