Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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