I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
