If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
