I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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