I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
