She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just want nice things and good sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
