next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
