Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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