i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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