booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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