They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
