She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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