Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
