my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
