yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
