you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
