i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
