but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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