I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
