i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
