so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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