When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
