dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
