it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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