A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
