She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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